copenhagen.
the ghost of christian svanes kolding has been seen wandering around an apartment in østerbro over the last few weeks. standing in the window, staring gloomily out at the lakes, or morosely seated before a laptop computer, staring obliquely into its screen while overwhelmed by even the slightest hesitation or doubt, the ghost seems wholeheartedly despondent. even more so when the ghost haunts the copenhagen city streets that are already shrouded in mist, rain and fog.
the ghost moves aimlessly from one storefront to another, in search of a purpose, trying in vain to shake off the weight of unfulfilled expectations, and the despair that comes with an awareness that one’s time, the precious time that one is allotted on this earth, has, of recent days, been grossly misspent.
‘den døde er ikke død.’ . . . . ‘he who is dead, is not dead.’
i think i have been depressed. actually, i am quite certain of that. miss a has assessed the situation and quite flatly stated, “you are depressed.”
ah well. since returning from the states, i have been trying to find the creative spark to produce – to write and rewrite – and i can barely find the creative energy to produce a decent cup of coffee, let alone a treatment or an outline. and the phone has stopped being my friend – it never rings anymore – and the emails have skipped me over for more popular destinations. all the same, it is not that, but the lack of verve from within that has caused me to stare off into space for hours at a time, to be unresponsive to the encouragement from my beloved, to smile wanly whenever she suggests that i submit to the beneficial effects of human affection and contact.
i have withdrawn into myself, and thereby entered the arena of the unwell.
‘du er levende, kammarat. sådan er det.’ . . . . ‘you are alive, comrade. that’s the way it is.’
it is said that there is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing – but i am afraid that today, i must strongly disagree. the weather in this wretched country is abominable. it is awful and i declare that i have had enough. the temperature is a constant one or two degrees above freezing, and the skies are dumping a combination of freezing rain and sleet, whipped up by a robust arctic wind, causing mayhem in the streets, and despair in my heart. according to the forecast, there is no relief in sight. the weather has been like this for two weeks and it will continue to be like this, despite the telltale signs that spring lurks around the corner.
thank god i have been without work for a while: i don’t have to leave the damn apartment. except i did today – and i already regret it.
i am grateful that i have brought so many dvds, magazines and books back with me from the states – atleast i can sequester myself in the living room with these, supplemented by some lovely indian take-out, while i wait for the weather to improve.
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