“before i was twenty, i mean, i used to think that life was a thing that kept gaining impetus. it would get richer and deeper each year. you kept learning more, getting wiser, having more insight, going further into the truth – ” she hesitated.

he laughed abruptly. “and now you know it’s not like that. right? it’s more like smoking a cigarette. the first few puffs it tastes wonderful, and you don’t even think of its ever being used up. then you begin taking it for granted. suddenly you realize it’s nearly burned down to the end. and that’s when you’re conscious of the bitter taste.”

– paul bowles, the sheltering sky

do you believe that life will always let itself be mocked?

do you think you can slip away a little before midnight in order to avoid this? or are you not terrified by it?

i have seen men in real life who so long deceived others that at last their true nature could not reveal itself… in every man there is something which to a certain degree prevents him from becoming perfectly transparent to himself; and this may be the case in so high a degree, he may be so inexplicably woven into relationships of life which extend far beyond himself that he almost cannot reveal himself. but he who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all.”

- søren kierkegaard

i’ve known many frauds in my life. this much is true. some of them have done immensely well for themselves. i wonder what makes them tick and if they ever find happiness? and then i put those thoughts away.

one day, however, i will write about some of these frauds. not out of anger or disdain, but sincerely, out of the desire to understand the root causes of their behaviour. we’ll see.